<!DOCTYPE html>
<html>
<head>
<meta charset="UTF-8">
<title>Finding Neverland by thingyoudowiththatthing</title>
<style type="text/css">

body { background-color: #ffffff; }
.CI {
text-align:center;
margin-top:0px;
margin-bottom:0px;
padding:0px;
}
.center   {text-align: center;}
.cover    {text-align: center;}
.full     {width: 100%; }
.quarter  {width: 25%; }
.smcap    {font-variant: small-caps;}
.u        {text-decoration: underline;}
.bold     {font-weight: bold;}
</style>
</head>
<body>
<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/28437084">Finding Neverland</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingyoudowiththatthing/pseuds/thingyoudowiththatthing'>thingyoudowiththatthing</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Finding Neverland [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Marvel Cinematic Universe</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>F/M, Flashbacks, Grief, Insomnia, Loss of a family member, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Survivor Guilt</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>In-Progress</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-12-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2021-02-14</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-10 20:47:23</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Major Character Death</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>5</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,067</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/28437084</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/thingyoudowiththatthing/pseuds/thingyoudowiththatthing</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Bucky doesn’t feel like he belongs in the world after the war and the return. He tried his best to fit in with the rest of the Avengers, helping Sam reform the team, but after a year Bucky decides to leave in search of something without being sure of what.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>James "Bucky" Barnes/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>Finding Neverland [1]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/2082945</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>14</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>1. Man out of Time</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky walked into his room. A room that despite him having stayed there for the past year still didn’t feel like his own. It wasn’t just the room though, it was everything. Ever since the war, and maybe to a degree even before the war, Bucky had felt out of place. He didn’t belong in this place or maybe even in this time. He shouldn’t even be alive. </p><p>The Supreme Court had exonerated Bucky of any guilt of the things HYDRA had made him do. That didn’t mean Bucky had forgiven himself though. He hadn’t, which was why he had agreed to move into the Tower when Sam had asked him for help running the new Avengers team. Bucky had red in his ledger, as Nat would have said, and maybe helping Sam would clear some of that out. </p><p>It didn’t feel like it had though. All Bucky did was more fighting and more killing. Bad guys this time around, and the killing was only when they gave him absolutely no other choice. Still, he was doing all the things he had promised himself, while he lived in Wakanda that he was through with. Bucky lived in the building that had once been owned by a man that had tried to kill him. With good right. Bucky had taken everything from Tony Stark and had never had the chance to even try to apologize. Not that an apology would mean anything to a kid whose parents he had brutally murdered. </p><p>
  <em>“It wasn’t really you, Buck.” </em>
</p><p>Steve’s words rang in his head, and even though Bucky knew Steve was right, he didn’t feel it. He doubted that he ever really would. He remembered every waking moment. He remembered the torture, the experiments and the brainwashing. Worse than that, he remembered them. Innocent eyes shining with fear before his hands robbed them of their lives. He remembered the pull of a trigger and blood spatter on walls, windows and cars. He remembered it all, and it was hard not to blame himself for what had been done by his own hands even if he wasn’t in control. </p><p>The guilt wasn’t enough to keep him here anymore though. Steve had gotten to live the life that had been stolen from him, and Sam had taken over the mantle of Captain America. He was great at it, even if Bucky would never say that to his face. Sam didn’t need Bucky, at least not anymore. Steve seemed as if he had found peace. Even with Peggy having passed, he was still surrounded by kids, grandkids and friends. Bucky didn’t need to worry about either of them. So he decided to take his therapists advice and worry about himself for a little bit. </p><p>Bucky threw his bag on the bed next to his helmet and looked around the room. Even if it never felt like home, it still felt strange to walk away. For the first time in his life, he was well and truly going to be on his own. With no one to help or look after. No one but himself. The thought of that terrified him, but he knew he had to do this. </p><p>Bucky closed his eyes, taking a deep breath just as a knock on the door sounded, and the door opened behind him. </p><p>“What? You thought you could sneak off without saying goodbye?” Sam’s teasing voice sounded behind him. </p><p>“Sam…” Steve scolded. The one word speaking a million just as always.</p><p>Bucky smiled turning around to face his two friends. “And risk having a stupid drone bird following me until I get back?”</p><p>“Hey. Redwing is not stupid,” Sam pointed a finger at Bucky, before smirking. “And I distinctly remember him saving your ass a few times.”</p><p>“You are coming back?” Steve interrupted, drawing Bucky’s attention to him. Steve looked so much older than him now, but Bucky still saw the same kid he had grown up with over a century ago. He always had. No matter what changes Steve had gone through, Bucky still saw him for who he had always been. </p><p>“Off course I am pal. You did right?” Bucky smiled, reminding Steve of the conversation they had shared just over a year ago. For Bucky at least for Steve it was half a lifetime ago. </p><p>“Bucky…” Steve started, but Bucky just shook his head to stop him. </p><p>“You don’t have to worry about me. I’ll be fine. You should worry about this one instead,” Bucky gave Sam’s shoulder a friendly squeeze. “I don’t know what he’ll do without me out there.”</p><p>“I’ll do just fine, thank you very much Tinman,” Sam huffed, before reaching out to pull Bucky into a bone crushing hug. “Don’t be a stranger. I don’t wanna have to track you down again because Steve worries.”</p><p>Bucky laughed, hugging Sam back. </p><p>“I won’t. Be careful out there okay?” Bucky said, pulling back, looking a little more serious before turning to Steve. </p><p>The worried frown on Steve’s face made Bucky want to laugh. He couldn’t remember how many times he had given Steve that exact look, knowing that no matter what he would say, nothing could change the stubborn punk’s mind anyway. </p><p>“Don’t do anything stupid until I get back,” Bucky mirrored the words he had said to Steve before going off to war; the same words Steve had said to him before returning to his past with Peggy. </p><p>That line, drew a small smile to Steve’s face even if it was battling worry lines deeper than ever now. </p><p>“How can I? You’re taking all the stupid with you,” Steve answered just like expected, and Bucky grinned before leaning in to hug Steve goodbye. </p><p>“Nonsense. I’m leaving him right here with you,” Bucky grinned, looking over Steve’s shoulder at Sam. </p><p>“I’m really not gonna miss you,” Sam huffed in pretend annoyance, but Bucky knew his words meant the exact opposite. Even if his relationship with Sam was more than a little odd, Bucky still counted him as one of his best friends. One of two actually. </p><p>Saying goodbye to them hadn’t been easy, but Bucky had done it. He felt as if he was closing a chapter of his life as he walked out of the Avengers’ Tower. He closed the strap to his backpack across his chest, put his helmet on and mounted his bike. He started the engine, giving the Tower one last look, before raving up the bike and taking off. Destination unknown, even to himself, and Bucky kinda liked the feeling of freedom. Something he had never truly felt in his life before, at least not since he was a kid riding a truck back home after spending all his money with Steve on Coney Island.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0002"><h2>2. Aimless</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky couldn’t tell you why exactly, but his first stop had been visiting the lake where Tony had been put to rest. He parked some distance away from the house. The last thing he wanted to do was disturb or cause any pain to Pepper or the little girl. Instead he quietly snuck up to the lake across from the house. </p><p>Bucky wasn’t sure how long he stood there letting the night of December 16th 1991 play over and over in his mind. He had done a lot of things he wished he could have stopped himself from doing. Things that kept him up at night or pulled him from his sleep screaming at himself to stop. Every life he had taken haunted him and caused the insomnia he had battled ever since he had gotten control of his mind back. Every single one, but somehow, that night was clearer than the rest. Maybe it was because Howard had once been a friend, or maybe it was because Tony had grown up to become a friend of Steve’s. He wasn’t sure. He also knew he should have been angry at Tony for trying to kill him and Steve that day so long ago, but he wasn’t. He never had been. Bucky hadn’t wanted to die, but if he had died that day, it would have been justified. Bucky even resigned to his faith back then and had only started fighting back when Steve wouldn’t stop helping him, and Tony’s rage had turned on Bucky’s best friend. His only friend. The only man that had never given up on him. </p><p>Bucky didn’t realize he had started crying, and he had been so lost in his own thoughts that he hadn’t even heard her walk up next to him. He only became aware of her when she handed him a handkerchief.</p><p>Bucky’s eyes briefly met Pepper’s as he took it before her eyes drifted to the lake. They stood there silently watching the stillness of the water, and Bucky desperately wished he knew what to say. He didn’t. He hardly ever did, so he kept quiet, not wanting to leave, but not sure if he had any right to stay either. </p><p>“He didn’t blame  you anymore.” Pepper’s voice was quiet, hesitant almost but she sounded sure. “After Morgan was born, I think he started seeing everything differently. He felt betrayed by Steve to a degree, but he was also ashamed of what he had done. He never spoke about it much, but I knew him. Better than anyone I suspect.”</p><p>“He was right to blame me,” Bucky lowered his head. </p><p>“Maybe. Maybe not,” Pepper turned around to face Bucky. “It’s so much more complicated than that Bucky. He was angry and hurt, but like I said, when Morgan was born he let go of all of that. If he had been here with us, I know he would have told you to do the same. What they made you do, there is no changing that. There is no bringing back Tony. We just have to find a way to live with the past. We have to live though, for the ones we lost.”</p><p>“I don’t know if I know how,” Bucky answered truthfully, his voice heavy with grief and guilt. </p><p>“When you figure out how to let go of it all like Tony did,” Pepper smiled, reaching out to give Bucky’s arm a slight squeeze, “then you’ll know.”</p><p>Bucky looked down at her hand before meeting her eyes. He gave her a sad grateful smile. He didn’t know what to say so he didn’t say anything. </p><p>“Do you want to come back to the house? Meet Morgan?” Pepper offered, making Bucky quickly shake his head. He didn’t want to do anything to upset the child.</p><p>“Okay. I’m heading back to her,” Pepper sighed was she turned to walk away but stopped, looking back up at him. “You’re always welcome here Bucky. You don’t have to try and sneak in. I doubt with all of Tony’s tech and Happy keeping an eye out, you could if you wanted too.”</p><p>Bucky smiled. He had been an idiot thinking no one would know he was here.</p><p>“That’s good,” Bucky nodded. “I’ll remember that.”</p><p>He stayed in front of the lake for a few minutes after Pepper disappeared back toward the house. He walked back to his bike, feeling a little lighter, but still not able to forgive himself for what he had done to the Stark family or to any of his other victims. He had hope though, hope that he would be able to find a way to live with it all, just like Pepper had advised him. He just had no idea how yet. So Bucky drifted around from town to town for a few weeks. He never stayed in the same place for more than a day. He told himself he was exploring his country, but he wasn’t. He felt aimless. He had no idea why he had left a place where he was at least doing some good to drift around with no direction at all. When he was on the run he had a goal; stay under the radar - don’t get caught. Now he was just… drifting. </p><p>He had no one left but Steve and maybe Sam. He had left the two of them behind to look for something; he had no idea what. He felt useless, and was almost ready to go back a month after he left, sitting awake in a hotel room hundreds of miles from New York. He had just about made up his mind when his phone suddenly rang, and Steve’s face appeared on the screen. </p><p>Bucky grumbled, slightly annoyed that Steve somehow always seemed to know when he needed to talk, even if Bucky never wanted too. </p><p>“Steve, it’s the middle of the night,” Bucky groaned into the phone, and he could practically feel Steve rolling his eyes at him. </p><p>“You weren’t sleeping, and it’s not night here yet,” Steve retorted, before pausing. “Bucky I have to tell you something… Becca she…”</p><p>“She died while I was gone. I know,” Bucky interrupted Steve. That was one of the many things that haunted Bucky at night. He had the chance to go see her when he was on the run or in exile. It would have been risky, but she had been alive.</p><p>“Yeah… I’m sorry Buck. I found out where she’s buried,” Steve said hesitantly.</p><p>Bucky felt as if the air was knocked from his chest. He hadn’t looked for her resting place, because visiting her would make it real. His little sister was no longer breathing the same air that he was. He no longer had a family, not aside from Steve that was, and with his decision, chances were Bucky would be forced to outlive him too. </p><p>Bucky had understood. He wanted Steve to be happy, and he wouldn’t have wanted Steve to choose any differently. He had encouraged his choice, and he would again. </p><p>“Stevie… I don’t know if…” Bucky stammered, and he heard Steve take a deep breath on the other end of the phone. Just like he usually did when he was getting ready for one of his speeches. Only nothing came. </p><p>“I’m gonna text you the address.” Steve announced, and it was Bucky’s turn to take a deep breath. </p><p>“Okay…” </p><p>“Bucky,” Steve tried, making Bucky shake his head even if he knew Steve couldn’t see him. </p><p>“I’m fine Stevie,” he lied. </p><p>“I think you should go see her. I think… well I think that might be where you need to go,” Steve said, without really saying anything. It always annoyed Bucky when he did that, but he was also too tired to argue. </p><p>“I might,” Bucky promised without promising too much. “Goodnight Steve. Take care of yourself.”</p><p>“You too,” Steve’s voice sounded before Bucky ended the call, waiting for the screen to light up with an address. He stared at the phone for a few minutes before tossing it onto the bedside table and throwing himself back onto the bed. Tears flew down Bucky’s cheeks as he stared into the ceiling. For the first time in forever, he let himself feel the loss of his family, and it hurt so badly he could hardly breath. </p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0003"><h2>3. Chapter 3</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky had lost count of how many times he circled the graveyard before finally pulling up in front of the gate. He slowly took off his helmet, running his hand through his hair before hanging it on the handlebar. He didn’t get off the bike though, instead he let his mind wander back to the summer of 1930. </p><p>
  <em>“Come on Buckyyyyyyy,” the six year old girl was practically bouncing in front of her thirteen year old brother and his best friend. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Steve won’t mind. Will you Steve?” she focused her puppy dog eyes on the boy next to her brother, and it was all Bucky could do to keep a straight face when he saw the panic on Steve’s face. Steve didn’t have any siblings, and he never really got when Bucky was annoyed about his sisters. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Rebecca was the youngest. She was rambunctious and worshipped the ground her brother walked on. She wanted to go wherever he went, and as much as it annoyed Bucky at times, he also loved his sister. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You’re too young. Coney Island is not for kids,” Bucky argued, trying to save Steve from her begging. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>Rebecca crossed her arms over her chest, pouting at Bucky. “You’re a kid. So is Steve.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Fine,” Bucky playfully pulled a face at her. “It’s not for little kids.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“But I wanna go! Mom and Dad will let me if you promise to look out for me. I know they will,” she whined, and it finally got too much on Steve. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It couldn’t hurt to ask them Buck,” Steve relented, causing Bucky to turn around and glare at him. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Coney Island is our thing Steve! I don’t want to spend the day babysitting,” Bucky hissed at Steve, not noticing how Rebecca’s lower lip started to quiver and big tears rolled down her chubby cheeks. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’m not a baby!” Rebecca yelled, making Bucky freeze and look back at her just in time to see her take off, crying. </em>
</p><p>Bucky sighed. He had hated himself in that moment. Enough that he had actually asked his parents if she could go with him and Steve. Off course they had said no, but Rebecca had forgiven him after that. She snuck into his room that night, cuddling up to him and asked him to tell her about the fair.</p><p>He had, making sure to make it sound even more magical than he remembered it. He promised that one day she would be old enough and she could come with him and Steve. He had kept that promise, the year before he had left for war and the memory of Rebecca’s joy that day made Bucky smile.</p><p>He took a deep breath, before dismounting the bike and slowly heading towards the gate. Opening it took another internal struggle, but Bucky finally managed to enter the ground. He let his mind wander again as he searched the headstones looking for his sister. </p><p>
  <em>Bucky frowned when he walked into his room. He didn’t instantly see her, but he still knew that she was there. His sisters had been looking for her earlier, and she usually hid in his room when she really didn’t want them to find her. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You can come out Becca.” Bucky closed the door before turning back to face the room. He grinned when he saw a messy head of brown hair peeking out from behind his bed. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“You didn’t tell them?” The ten year old girl asked, making Bucky chuckle as he walked over to his bed to sit down. He reached his hand out to her, which she gladly took, letting him help her up onto the bed. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“When have I ever ratted you out Becs?” Bucky teased, laughing when she pulled a face at him to let him know one time might be the first. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“They wanted to stuff me into one of Mary’s old dresses. I’d end up looking like cotton candy,” Rebecca whined, telling on her sisters. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Well you’re as sweet as cotton candy that’s for sure,” Bucky teased his sister, laughing again when she gave him a push. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Come here,” Bucky’s grin turned into a soft smile as his little sister threw her arms around his neck, letting him hug her close. “I’ll keep you safe.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Promise,” she whispered and Bucky smiled, closing his eyes as he gave her a squeeze. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Always Becca.”</em>
</p><p>Bucky swallowed harshly when he finally reached a stone behind a small fence. There were fresh flowers placed neatly around a heart shaped headstone that read: </p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Rebecca Georgetta Barnes</em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>1924 - 2021</em>
  </b>
</p><p>
  <b>
    <em>Always in our hearts - Never forgotten</em>
  </b>
</p><p>Bucky’s breath was fast and shallow as he took a few steps closer, kneeling down before his sister’s headstone. He reached out, letting his fingers trace her name as tears slowly streamed down his cheeks.</p><p>“I’m so sorry I didn’t keep my promise Becca,” Bucky whispered as he remembered the last time he had seen his sister. It had been the day before he shipped out and before he had gone to look for Steve. </p><p>
  <em>“You don’t have to go you know,” Rebecca stood in the middle of his room as Bucky threw a few books and picture into his duffle bag. He hadn’t been home in a while, and now more than ever, it seemed important that he brought a piece of this place with him where he went.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“No?” Bucky chuckled, turning to face the eighteen year old girl with her arms crossed over her chest. She wasn’t related to Steve in any way, but sometimes Bucky swore his best friend’s stubborn had rubbed off on the kid somehow. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“What do you suggest then Becca? That I run away, get caught and thrown in prison?” Bucky suggested with a small smile, trying to lighten the mood. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Better than war,” Rebecca spat at him. “Why did you enlist? Because you wanna prove something to dad? It’s not worth getting killed over you know?”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“Hey,” Bucky kept his voice calm as he took a few steps towards her. He reached out running his hands up and down her arms. “I enlisted because people are suffering. Good people for no other reason than people think it’s okay to bully them because they are different.”</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“They aren’t Steve you know,” she pouted, but looked less angry now than she had before. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I know. It’s no different though. You’d stand up to someone being mean to him right?” Bucky asked, and Rebecca nodded. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’d kick them in the shin,” she confirmed, poking out her chin causing Bucky to laugh. She’d definitely spent too much time with him and Steve.</em>
</p><p>
  <em>“It’s the same. Worse actually because Steve fights back no matter how stupid it is. Some of these people are too afraid to stand up for themselves,” Bucky tried to explain, and Becca looked down. Tears started streaming down her cheeks, effectively breaking Bucky’s heart. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I don’t want to lose you, Bucky” she muttered, and Bucky instantly pulled her into his arms. </em>
</p><p>
  <em>“I’ll write you Becca,” he promised as he hugged her close. “You won’t lose me. I’ll be home before you know it.”  </em>
</p><p>“Did you know her?” a voice sounded behind Bucky, tearing him from his thoughts. He quickly stood up, drying his eyes with his sleeve before turning around. He didn’t have a chance to say anything. The young woman’s eyes widened, and her jaw dropped when she saw him. </p><p>“Bucky Barnes?” she asked and Bucky flinched. Being recognised was rarely a good thing, especially not when people confronted him about it. </p><p>“Yes. I don’t want any trouble. I just came to see my sister,” Bucky apologized, getting ready to flee the graveyard before the woman stopped him with a smile. </p><p>“No trouble at all. I’m just here to change the flowers, and I’ll give you some privacy. Don’t leave on my account,” she spoke softly. She moved as gently as she spoke, almost as if she was afraid any sudden movements would scare him off, and she wasn’t completely wrong. </p><p>Bucky just stood there frozen as he watched the woman change the flowers and brush a few fallen leaves off the headstone. She didn’t stand until she seemed to be satisfied with the result. She gave Bucky a small smile as she turned to leave. </p><p>“I’ll give you some space,” she promised, starting to walk away. She had gotten a few rows before Bucky managed to unfreeze himself from where he was standing. He quickly ran after her, calling out when he was a few steps away. </p><p>“Wait.”</p><p>She turned around to face him and there was that smile again. She knew who he was, and still she didn’t seem startled by him chasing her through the graveyard. </p><p>“Was she… Are we related?” Bucky asked, unsure what else to say, and the woman laughed, shaking her head. </p><p>“No. No were not. Miss Barnes was like family to me though,” she explained, and Bucky nodded, not sure if he was disappointed or relieved by that fact. There was something about the woman that put Bucky at ease, but if there were no real bloodline between them, he didn’t have any excuse to hold her back or see her again. </p><p>It was as if she read his mind though. She began shifting on her feet, running her hands up and down her arms to keep warm.</p><p>“It’s getting cold out here, but if you want to go some place we can talk? Maybe you could tell me what she was like when she was younger?” she offered, and Bucky shifted on his feet not sure what to say. </p><p>“There’s a diner just up the road. They made amazing coffee,” she tilted her head, showing the direction. “You can follow my car if you’d like?”</p><p>“Yeah…” Bucky took a deep breath. Sam had reminded him to take chances before he left, maybe this was one of those. He also just really wanted to know more about his sister’s life. He hoped with all he had it had been a good one. “That sounds good.”</p><p>The woman smiled widely, reaching out her hand to him. “I’m Y/N by the way. Nice to meet you.”</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0004"><h2>4. Neverland</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>So we met the reader in the last one. In this one we start to really get to know her and we learn what her connection is to Rebecca. I hope you are all enjoying this series as much as I am.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky shifted in his seat at the small corner booth in the diner Y/N had let him to. He watched her from across the room for a bit as she chatted with the woman behind the counter. She had shooed Bucky to find them a place to sit, after asking him how he took his coffee and announcing he was having blueberry pie since they made the best ever here. </p><p>The two women seemed like they knew each other well, Bucky decided as they chatted for a bit and his eyes diverted to the street. Bucky looked outside the window. Right across from the diner there was a rather busy playground and next to that a library where older kids were sitting on the steps. It seemed like a vibrant small town and Bucky couldn’t help but wonder if Becca had sat here looking at the people of the town like this. He quickly shook his head. Of course she hadn’t. Becca wasn’t a people watcher like he had become. She would have been out there among the townsfolk, chatting up a storm and living her life, making everyone she met fall in love with her. </p><p>“Sorry about that Cathy is literally a chatty Cathy,” Y/N pulled him from his thoughts as she sat down across from him. She wore a huge smile on her face and her eyes were sparkling at him. Bucky hadn’t realized before, because he had been busy trying to get away from her, but she was beautiful. </p><p>“Don’t worry about it,” Bucky said, quickly looking down onto the table as the woman he assumed was Cathy came over to their table with two cups. </p><p>“Carl is just heating up the pie. You are going to love it. Matter of fact after tasting our pie I am sure we’ll be seeing you here all the time. That is if you have any plans of staying in town?” she chatted away while pouring steaming hot brown liquid into Bucky’s cup. Bucky felt the woman smiling at him, but he just couldn’t handle the attention right now. Meeting one new person a day was plenty and he was more than a little thankful to Y/N when she seemed to read Bucky like a book. </p><p>“Cathy. Leave the poor guy be would you and start packing up the cakes and pies I promised to bring back to the kids would you,” Y/N playfully rolled her eyes at the waitress, you in turn made a face at Y/N. Bucky couldn’t decipher but it made all the blood rush to Y/N’s cheeks as Cathy skipped off, looking rather proud of herself. </p><p>Bucky couldn’t help but smile as he watched the woman across from him fiddle with her cup, looking down onto the table looking slightly flustered. He wasn’t sure what the look had been about or why it had made Y/N react the way she did, but she looked sweet as she was trying to pull herself together. </p><p>Bucky realized him, staring and smiling wasn’t making her situation any better so he quickly cleared his throat as he went what Y/N had just said to Cathy in his head. </p><p>“You have kids?” Bucky asked, taking a sip of his coffee as Y/N looked up with a surprised look on her face. It seemed to take her a few seconds to connect the dots in her mind and then a huge smile spread across her face. </p><p>“No. I just meant the kids at Neverland.”</p><p>“Excuse me?” Bucky put down the cup, as he tried to decide if the beautiful woman was also slightly crazy, thinking Peter Pans island was real. </p><p>“Neverland,” Y/N repeated, before her jaw dropped. “You don’t know about Neverland?”</p><p>Bucky’s mouth opened and closed a few times as he considered making a quip about being fresh out of fairy dust, but since he didn’t really know the woman, he decided against it and just went for a slight shake of the head. </p><p>“Rebecca worked as a nurse at an orphanage in New York city during and just after the war. She hated the conditions the kids lived under, so when her parents…” Y/N stopped, seeming to remember who she was talking to. </p><p>“Sorry. Your parents,” Y/N seemed to take a deep breath, “well after they passed and she inherited, she left the city and came out here. She bought an old mansion that was basically falling down with the money. All the towns folk just seemed to take to her and pitch in to get the place into shape and she started Neverland.”</p><p>Y/N speed talked her way through the story and Bucky struggled to keep up, blinking a few times. </p><p>“Becca started an orphanage? She never had a family?” Bucky asked, not sure how to feel about all of this. Y/N shrugged. </p><p>“She had a bigger family than most. The kids she took in were her family. To her family wasn’t about blood. She always spoke as if she lost two brothers to the war,” Y/N explained and Bucky looked down, ashamed he had asked the way he had. </p><p>“You’re right,” Bucky muttered, before looking back up again. “She was right.” </p><p>Bucky somehow managed to keep eye contact with her, even with the rush of emotions and memories that came over him. Steve had been his brother of choice then and now, but he had become Becca’s too by default. He had never thought how it must have felt for her to lose them both to a war she pleaded with them not to go off and fight. Becca had always been headstrong and she usually got her way.that had been one of the few battles she had lost and it had made her lose a hell of a lot more than Bucky had ever wanted or expected.</p><p>Bucky cleared his throat, looking down into his cup before changing the subject. “How did you know my sister?”</p><p>“Well, my mom was one of the kids she took in, though she wasn’t placed with her through regular proceedings. My mom was a runaway. Her mom had died, her dad was violent and she had gotten pregnant at 16. She wanted to keep me safe and running away was all she could think off to do. By chance she picked a barn at Neverland to spend the night in and one of the helpers found her and brought her to Becca. We have both lived up there ever since. Actually, my mom runs the place now,” Y/N sat a little straighter, clearly proud of her mom, but also as if she was challenging Bucky in a way. It took him a few seconds to realize why. </p><p>“I’m not here to take the place from you. If Becca left the place to the two of you, that’s because she wanted it that way,” Bucky assured Y/N, who quickly seemed to relax again. </p><p>“Here you go, guys,” Cathy spoke, breaking the silence that had fallen between the two. “Enjoy the best pies in New York. Oh and Y/N just swing by the counter before you leave. The pies and cupcakes are all packed up and ready to go.”</p><p>“Thanks, Cathy,” Y/N called after the woman, who just gave a wave over her shoulder as she headed towards a table with new customers. Y/N smiled as she looked after her. </p><p>“She’s a lost girl too,” Y/N grinned over at Bucky as if her sentence had just made any sense whatsoever to him. </p><p>“She’s a what?” Bucky’s spoon full of pie stopped halfway from his mouth as he stared at a laughing Y/N. She was really beautiful, he decided and he liked seeing her laugh like that for some reason. </p><p>“A lost girl. That’s what the kids at Neverland call themselves. Lost boys and girls. You know like in…”</p><p>“Peter Pan,” Bucky nodded. </p><p>“Becca, Stevie and I snuck into the play once,” he continued, smiling at the thought and at how Y/N’s eyes widened. She leaned forward as if she was urging Bucky to keep talking. “It was pretty damn cool. Especially to three poor kids back then. It was like watching a new world come alive. Becca loved it and it was all she talked about for months. Stevie and I managed to save enough money to buy her the book for her birthday, the year before I left for Europe.”</p><p>“That’s what she meant then,” Y/N mumbled, taking a bit of pie thoughtfully chewing and Bucky couldn’t help but laugh. Bucky had now idea why, but there was something about the cease in her forehead and the hamster-like chewing, combined with the feeling of normalcy that set him off. He couldn’t remember the last time he laughed, not freely and just because he felt like it like this. It must have been a lifetime ago, if not two. </p><p>“She meant what by what?” Bucky tilted his head, making Y/N laugh with him. </p><p>“Sorry. I just asked her once why she named the place Neverland and all she said was Neverland meant family to her. She meant you and Captain Rogers,” Y/N explained, before smiling softly at Bucky. “Well, that settles that.”</p><p>“Huh?” Bucky asked, chewing on what he had to agree was indeed the best pie in New York. </p><p>“You’re coming back home with me,” Y/N grinned, before quickly rambling on as she must have seen the shocked look on Bucky’s face. </p><p>“To see the place I mean. Neverland. I live in a small cottage just down the hill from it. But by home I meant Rebecca’s home. Neverland,” Y/N covered her face in her hands. “Please say something. Stop me from talking.”</p><p>Bucky couldn’t help but laugh as he took pity on her. </p><p>“I’d love to.” Bucky surprised himself by answering, even more so because he meant it.</p>
  </div></div>
<a name="section0005"><h2>5. A Place to Start</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Summary for the Chapter:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>Bucky feels the pull from Neverland and the need to help out. Maybe it isn’t just his sister’s ghost drawing him to the place but something more present.</p>
          </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>Bucky stayed a few feet behind Y/N’s truck both on the drive and as she pulled onto a dirt road leading them onto a private property. Bucky’s eyes widened as the aged mansion surrounded by old barnes and a lake came into view. It looked like something out of a Disney movie, the old fashioned hand-drawn ones, completed by the two dozen kids of different ages that rushed down the stairs of the house towards Y/N’s truck as she parked it. </p><p>She was laughing as she stepped out of the car, ruffling a few heads and answering questions as she started handing out boxes of cakes, with orders of taking them to the kitchen and Clara. </p><p>Bucky decided it was probably best if he just kept his distance for a little while. He parked his bike a few feet behind Y/N’s truck under a group of trees. He was in plain view of the kids, and he was sure most of them noticed him, but they didn’t seem to pay him any attention. He wasn’t sure if the orphans were just used to strangers dropping by, or if it was the fact he had clearly arrived with Y/N that made them utterly unsuspicious of him. The complete lack of interest in a guy on a bike was most likely due to the boxes of cake they started to take off with as they called out for Clara. </p><p>Bucky couldn’t help but chuckle slightly at the commotion as he hung his helmet on the handlebar of the bike, earning himself a look over the shoulder from Y/N and a bright beautiful smile. </p><p>“Welcome to Neverland,” Y/N grinned, paying Bucky her full attention as the last kid disappeared through the front door of the mansion, in chase of the others and in expectancy of cake. “Not what you pictured huh?”</p><p>Bucky looked around the place once more, trying to picture Becca standing in the front door or outside by the swingset surrounded by kids. This wasn’t the life he had thought she would have. Growing up when they had, he had just expected Becca to find a good guy and settle down with a few kids. He always saw her working too. She was too independent and stubborn to rely on a husband for anything, but he hadn’t pictured this. It suited her though, Bucky decided. </p><p>“Do you want a tour of the place? I can imagine all of this must be a bit weird…” Y/N shifted on her feet a little, making Bucky wonder if she had regretted bringing him there. He was still the Winter Soldier, no matter his relation to her deceased boss. </p><p>“I don’t wanna disturb the kids. I mean it’s their home.” Bucky tried making her feel better about sending him away if that was what she wanted to do. </p><p>“No no it’s fine. They are used to people dropping by to fix things or county workers getting the full tour of the place. They don’t really pay that much attention. Especially not when there is cake,” Y/N grinned, nodding towards the place; inviting Bucky closer. </p><p>“Are you sure?” Bucky asked, carefully taking a step away from his bike. He couldn’t help but return the blinding smile Y/N sent him. He wasn’t sure what it was, but there was something about her that made him relax and feel comfortable. He didn’t around very many people, especially not people he had just met. </p><p>Bucky pushed that thought down as he followed Y/N towards the outer area. She was chatting away. Clearly proud of the place. Bucky listened to her as she told him to ignore how old everything looked. It wasn’t really about the place, the place was just a frame for something his sister had built. Bucky was proud of her, but he also felt a pang of guilt seeing how much she must have struggled keeping this place afloat. </p><p>Every building, every fence, every dog or hen house they passed was rundown and falling apart. Not in the scary old ghost house kinda way. Bucky had seen enough of those to last him a lifetime. No, this old rundown place was different. It wasn’t run down because people had moved away and stopped caring about it or fled from some bad memory. It was well used, spent and struggled to hold it’s frames for the lives that needed it so badly, and for the people that loved this place so much. </p><p>Because Y/N did. He could hear it in her eager voice. So much so he felt his sister looking down upon them with pride and nudging him to help the young woman keep her dream alive. Maybe this was what Bucky had been meant to find. </p><p>He had the money it would take to transform this place into its former glory, but he was more than sure Y/N would never take the money from him. Becca never would, and in many ways, Bucky saw his sister in the woman. He saw something else too though. Something he couldn’t quite put his finger on, but he didn’t mind watching and listening to her until he figured it out. </p><p>“You think it’s just an old piece of crap don’t you?” </p><p>Y/N’s voice pulled Bucky’s attention away from his thoughts, and he realized he hadn’t said a word since she had started her tour of the grounds half an hour ago. He hadn’t acknowledged her pride and love of the place. Not once. Not vocally anyway. He had just been frowning at the buildings, seeing the cracks that needed meaning and the beams that needed changing for the house to last long enough as Y/N and the rest of the people running this place had love to give to the kids that desperately needed it. </p><p>“What? No, that’s now what I was thinking. I didn’t…” Bucky tried but failed to explain his quiet.</p><p>Bucky wasn’t good with people, and he honestly wasn’t much of a talker either. He liked being around people, but more as an observer. He had been that guy once. He had been the center of every girl’s attention when he went dancing. He had been a popular guy at school, even if he had chosen Steve’s sole company over a gang of other guys more often than not. It never made his reputation suffer. Bucky had been charming and well-liked. That was a lifetime ago though. More than a lifetime. Bucky had changed a lot since then. He was sure of himself back then. A cocky kid, leaving to fight for something he believed in. </p><p>The war and deaths had changed him though. Rebecca had once told Bucky that he wasn’t suited for war. Back then he had thought she had spoken out of anger and that she was just his kid sister doing everything possible to keep him from leaving her behind. As the years and fighting went on, Bucky had started to see that she had been right. Bucky wasn’t suited for war. He hated it every time he had to take a life. He did it because it was his job and because someone needed to do the dirty work that Steve couldn’t wearing the star-spangled suit. </p><p>Bucky knew that every life he had taken back then had earned it, or at the very least, it had been what he had to do to stay alive and keep his friends alive. He had their back just like he had theirs. That part of the war Bucky had liked. The friendships and brotherhood of the battlefield, but that part had later been taken from him, along with everything that made him who he was. He was broken, beaten, injected, erased, and reshaped into something Rebecca would never have recognized, and that part of the past had been the reason he had never seen her again. Not only because he had been on the run and hiding from just about every government in the world before being erased once more for a few years, but also because he felt guilty and ashamed. Rebecca had known him before what he became, and he wasn’t sure she would know him again if he had shown up on her doorstep. The thought had scared him enough that he had stayed away completely and that only added to his guilt. She had deserved to get to say goodbye. Rebeccahad deserved Bucky had been man enough to keep his promise and return to her, even if it was decades later than he had planned when he said those words. Instead, he had stayed gone, and she had passed away without ever seeing the brother she once thought she lost but though the news had learned was still alive. </p><p>Bucky felt guilty, sure but that was not the only reason he wanted to help. He just had no idea how to explain that to Y/N or even begin to ask her to let him begin to fix the place up a bit. </p><p>“Then what?” Y/N pulled the edge of her sleeves towards her hands, trying to make eye contact without really doing so. She made Bucky want to reach out to her. He wanted to run his hand down her arm. He wanted to smile at her and tell her she had nothing to worry about from him. The old Bucky would have. Hell, he would have charmed her already and wouldn’t even have to think about calming her. </p><p>“It’s loved,” Bucky fumbled with the words, failing to look right at her as he did. “It needs a different kind of love, but it’s not falling down because it’s not cared for. It’s falling down because people need it, and…” </p><p>“I’m making no sense,” Bucky mumbled to himself after stopping the broken stream of words he started. His head jerked up, and his eyes found Y/N as he suddenly heard her laughter. </p><p>“And yet you are making perfect sense to me. Thank you for seeing it that way,” Y/N smiled, looking a bit more at ease now. </p><p>“I could help you fix it up a bit?” Bucky offered, and he instantly wanted to kick himself. He sounded like a creep. He had just met the woman, and she had no relation to him other than having known his sister. Why would she want a stranger hanging around the kids she was trying to offer a safe upbringing? Let alone a former Russian spy and assassin. </p><p>“You want to hang around here and try and prevent the buildings from falling down on top of us? I know Avengers save people, but I always figured it was people in a bit more urgent need of a hand,” Y/N giggled. </p><p>“I don’t do that anymore.” The words came out a little harsher than Bucky had meant them, and he tried to offer Y/N a forced smile when she frowned at him. </p><p>“Okay,” she looked him up and down a few times. Not in a way that made Bucky feel uncomfortable. She just reminded him of Steve a little, suspicious and quietly stubborn, trying to figure out if Bucky was feeling alright. </p><p>Bucky tilted his head, smiling at her again. Less forced this time and not at all when she let out a sigh of exasperation. </p><p>“Well, then if what you want to do with your retirement is fighting old stubborn houses and gravity, then I won’t stop you,” Y/N grinned, and Bucky couldn’t help but chuckle a little before nodding. </p><p>“I’ll get started tomorrow,” Bucky offered, before turning around, heading back towards his bike. He had just reached it when Y/N came running down the hill after him. </p><p>“There is a little, old house by the edge of the woods. It’s not much, but my mom and I called it home before we moved into the main building.” Y/N offered Bucky a key, but he just stared at her in surprise. He hadn’t for one second considered asking, let alone her offering for him to stay on the grounds. </p><p>“Y/N the local motel is fine…” Bucky started, before Y/N stubbornly shook her head, grabbing his metal wrist and pulling forward his hand, placing the key inside it. </p><p>“Nonsense! We can’t pay you for your work. We aren’t letting you pay to stay in town to help us. It’s empty anyway.” Y/N shrug before smiling kindly. </p><p>“Besides, you seem a little lost right now. Neverland is the place where the lost is found, and it’s a home for anyone in need as long as they want it.” Y/N repeated the words Rebecca Barnes had said to any drifter passing though or any kid that had struggled against fitting in, broken from a system that depended too much on money and too little on love. Neverland was different. Neverland was home, even to 100 and something lost boys, that needed a little help finding their way again. Especially when the lost boy standing in front of Y/N was James Buchanan Barnes. </p>
  </div></div>
</body>
</html>